life is far too short...

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2010-11-04T19:48:00.001-04:00

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I miss you.

2007-08-02T01:09:00.000-04:00

I still think about you every day.
Love
Me

its been awhile

2006-12-14T11:57:00.000-05:00

Hi,
It has been a long ass time. I think of you often (I have the flutterby in my car still and it watches over me as I drive...) and miss you. I didn't make it to Chris and Mark's holiday party this year, but hopefully next year.
Thanks for being there for me babe...you know when I need it and it means a lot to me that you're still here for me.
Always,
Me

I don't have a title for you today.

2005-11-25T20:47:00.000-05:00

Hi Sweetie.
Nope. No mean things today. I'm all about the love. Fucker. There you go. Last weekend was Matt's bday, which I'm sure you knew. I know you were there with us (I felt the slap on my ass when no one was looking ;) ) We were all out of hand. You'd be sooo proud! (There are pictures that I don't even remember being taken that night. Damn I looked good. Drunk, but good.)

Matt's girlfriend Erica is a good girl. I like her a lot for him. She makes him SO damn happy its giving me a cavity. He deserves it. I've never really approved of any of his girls at least not for anything more than comic relief for me...but this one I do. If you had a hand it it, thank you! (From me as much as Matt.)

I wanted to thank you from me too. I kind of met someone. (Which I'm sure you know...I mean you see EVERYTHING!) I don't know that anything will happen with him, actually, I'd be suprised if it did...but thanks for showing me that the connection is possible again and letting me have it - if only for that one night - He's a nice guy. I hope at the very least we can be friends. It came up early in the night why I was single and I told him about after losing you the first time and then you passing, I wasn't ready to be let my guard down for anyone else. He asked what happened and I told him how you were sick from the get go... he told me it takes a lot of heart to get involved when you know there isn't a future. I told him that you rarely get to choose who you fall for. It just happens. What I didn't tell him is that you will always be part of my future. I know that we talk every day and you laugh at the stupid shit I do, but I miss you. Part of me is looking to move to NYC for work and to be closer to Matt and Anthony (and Leydi and Meg...) part of me is looking to go for no better reason than its just time to move on from Albany. What do you think?

I was thinking of your nephews tonight...they are great kids and Chris and Mark have their hands full. You wouldn't want it any other way.

I'll be looking for you in my dreams tonight. Please be there... I need to talk. Matt can only convince me of so much.

I don't need to tell you that I love you and miss you...I'll tell you in my dreams.

So its been wayyyyyyyyyy too long since I posted...

2005-11-24T22:25:00.000-05:00

Hey little fucker...

Such a loving greeting I give you, then again, why would you expect anything less? I have to apologize man, Its been way too long since I posted to you. You know I talk to you every night though and I know you laugh at me all the time when I do something stupid. I still talk about you what seems like daily, and I stil relive all the good and bad moments daily. Alot has gone on in my life since I wrote to you...

A lot of good stuff though, and I have you to thank for a lot of it. I'm getting a promotion at work, from Network Administrator I to Systems Administrator II, which is a great promotion for someone my age. I like to think that a lot of my perceverence with every aspect of my life became much greater since knowing you and especially since the world lost you. I know that you would try your best and lived life to the fullest, so thats what I try to do everyday. I moved to queens, living on my own and I bought a 50" DLP Projection, sorry dude, I sold the XBR, I know that we bought that at the house in Albany, but, even you can't blame me for not wanting to move that SOB. And i'm still watcihng Nip/Tuck since you got me freakin addicted to that show.

One other big developement is i'm dating a girl, who I think you'd actually approve of, and besides making fun of me with her help, you wouldn't have anything bad to say about her. She's been an absolute joy to my life for almost 4 months now, and she just seems to understand me finally, and enjoys the things I do for her. Which is an amazing thing, as you know, girls seemed to love to take advantage of me...not this one. She actually asked on the anniversary of your death what you would think of her. I told her the truth, that you'd realize right away that she had a sense of humor, and get to know you and i'm sure he'd love you. I mean , Court thinks shes great, and not one person dislikes her so far, its almost a shame, I wish you were there so many times with her and just in general. I think everyone who interacts with me on a regular basis, especially Erica(my gf) must know so much about you just from all the stories I have about you.

Anyway man, its Thanksgiving, so happy thanksgiving, I talk to your family as much as possible, and Jonathan and Kevin look great, they're growing up. Its great to see them, and as they get older, i'm sure they'll continuously hear the stories about you...well at least the ones which he can hear, depending on his age.

So, I'm sorry I didn't wish you a happy bday on here a few weeks ago, you'd be 24 man...and you know we woulda drank like crazy, and I'm glad you were there (in spirit) at my party last week.

Alright, I think this is all for now...we all miss you everyday man...and noone can ever stop thinking about you. I don't think a day goes by where your name isn't up in a conversation i'm having. I just hope I can continue to tell the world of who you were and how great a person you were, and I hope I can keep some of the great qualities that you had living on in me.

Thanks for everything you've done for me, even since you left us.

so...i'll just say i'll talk to you soon man..thanks for keeping an eye on me from above....

Happy Bday!

2005-11-13T16:47:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday you little shit.

I miss you.

You'd be proud of me. Friday night I went out and got a little out of hand. Happy out of hand. My friends were excited because they haven't seen me like that in so long. It felt good. I had some drinks for you too don't worry.

I think I miss the week leading up to your birthday more than I miss the hangover afterwards and greasy food with you to make it go away. You always had some great requests.

Next weekend we will be celebrating Matt's bday. Drunkenly in style getting a little out of hand. Its going to make my liver hate me.

You'll be there right?

Love you kid. Keep it real.

tomorrow is a year...

2005-09-26T23:13:00.000-04:00

i dont cry
- anymore -
when i think about you
i dont wake up
- gasping -
when i dream of you,
its been a year now and sometimes it hurts so bad
i want to cry
but i wont
- i take comfort -
in the sound of your laugh,
when i do something stupid
the sound of your breathing,
when im half awake
the way youre still here
- with us -
every day in so many ways...
i think of you
when im making those tough calls
yes or no or maybe so
ask what you would do
and i trust what you tell me
and always will.
i miss you,
i love you,
that spot in my heart will always be yours
111381-092704
Lance

J to the ER to the muthafuckin OME

2005-06-20T23:13:00.000-04:00

On one of those great days when I belled...I had the pleasure of witnessing the following:

Ring Ring Ring-
Jen G: "Lance could you get that? LANCE GET THE PHONE."
Lance: "No, I can't obviously you can't see that my name is Jerome."
Jen G: "LANCE GET THE PHONE"
Lance: "FINE!"
Lance: "Hello, Circuit City, how may I help you? (Pause)No m'am there is a mandatory 15% restocking fee for all computer related merchandise. (Pause) Yes m'am, I understand you spent $3699 plus tax on the lap top, that's not my fault that you got a piece of crap. (Pause) Yes I understand that's a lot of money. No M'am, there are no exceptions, that's what mandatory means. Yes you have to get another one. No, I can't recomend one...Fine, I recomend you don't get one here. (Pause) Yes, m'am, you can have my name. My Name is Jerome. It's spelled J-E-R-O-M-E, no I can not give you my last name, that's against company policy. I can give you my id number? 867530"

(Now keep in mind that I heard all of this and am totally lauging my ass off at the fact that hes being a dick, that he referenced the Jenny song...and just cause he always made me laugh in general.)

two hours after his shift ends...Different manager on duty...
Irate lady from Phone: stomps up to the CSA desk "I DEMAND TO SEE JEROME."
Kristin: "M'am there is no Jerome who works here."
Irate Lady from Phone: "NO THERE IS, I TALKED TO HIM 2 HOURS AGO."
Kristin (getting angry that she's being yelled at): "I'm very sorry m'am, we don't have a Jerome who works here."
Irate Lady from Phone: "YES YOU DO. HES RUDE AND BLACK."
Kristen walks away and comes back with the store schedule in hand. Throwing it at Irate Lady, she yells at her "THERE IS THE STORE SCHEDULE, THERE IS NO JEROME ON IT."

Irate lady gets mad and leaves the store and I come around the corner and ask Kristin what was going on. Shes all pissy about crazy people being assholes and I ask her what happened so she tells me about how Irate lady was insisting that Jerome was being rude to her and wouldn't help her and I start to laugh...

Now she's mad that I'm laughing at her, so I tell her "Duh, Kristin, it was Lance being an ass."

Then it was all ok. Like the fact that it was him was the magical serum to erase all wrongs...works for me too.

Jerome was the side of Lance who didn't care what others thought and who would do whatever he wanted to amuse himself and others. He was so bored all of the time that he often amused himself at the expense of an innocent bystander...But it was to make everyeone else smile so I'm ok with it. Jerome did lots and lots to get in trouble. He also had the greatest laugh...his whole body laughed...including his eyes. You knew it was a good one when he started coughing till he couldn't breath. That's when you knew you had him.

Do you have a Jerome story? Well, don't just stand there! Share it with the rest of us...

Random piece of trivia I learned a few months before Lance left us...

His Dad's name is Jerome. (For those of you who don't know, Lance's dad passed away when he was like 12.) I guess we all carry something of those who we love in our hearts...or in his case - right over it.

Miss you babe. Matt's having a hard time these days. Would you send him some of the mental hugs you usually send me? There are times that I can't be there for Matt cause of work or whatever...keep an eye on him when I can't and we will take care of each other, don't you worry.

Oompa Loompa's send their regards.

XOXOXO,
Cour

I'm down to twice a day...

2005-06-14T02:13:00.000-04:00

...twice a day being ready to break down in tears because something stupid reminds me of you...

Hey there...Matt seems to think this will help me. The whole idea that I can write to you and you can see it from wherever you are...while I agree, I don't know if/ how much it'll help. There's some other stuff I've written that eventually maybe I'll post. But for now this is just Matt and I remembering you and how wonderfully dickish you were. And how much we care. Still. Always. This is just a start, but its the starts that lead to great things.

A deep breath...
...and the first baby steps of many...

Please understand that even when I'm angry at fate for taking you from us, I treasure the time we had and the memories we made.

Love always,
Court

PS. I miss you in ways I never thought possible.

Like a puppy who peed on the carpet

2005-06-13T23:13:00.000-04:00

Ok, be honest...who here remembers some of the one liner's he came up with? I remember one night way back when... Before things turned into more than friends between us - the first time he kissed me, the feelings he envoked were too much for me to handle so I walked away. He IMed me with the following:

LNHOCKEY: Court, whats wrong?
CRYP2N1TE: Nothing. I just had to go.
LNHOCKEY: Please tell me what's wrong.
CRYP2N1TE: No, I don't want to talk about it
LNHOCKEY: Court, please tell me. I feel like a puppy who peed on the carpet.
LNHOCKEY: I know I did something wrong, but I don 't know what.

The rest of the conversation was between him and I, but I'll always think of him when I know I did something wrong, but I'm not sure what.

Oddly enough, I use that phrase occasionally, now Matt uses it too. Feel free to use it. We know Lance would want you to. Use it on the condition that you think of him when you use it.

Do you have a one liner that you want to share? Email Matt or me and we will add you to the members so you can share too!

Miss you babe. While not entirely accurate to meaning - it's fitting to say "I think about you all the time, but I don't need to sing...It's lonely where you are come back down..."

Hugs to you we'll never have...
<3 Court

"do you want to lick my scrotum?"

2005-06-13T22:13:00.000-04:00

LOL, odd title, i know i know....but this was a classic lance one liner he made during a drunken night at West St....one night of many nights. Lance's brother gave me a dvd of some videos of him drunk, and it was the best thing i've ever watched, made me laugh the whole time and for days after that.
This post is half to lance and half to explain lance to some people. Lance was 5'3", 120 lbs soakin wet...but he talked like he was 7' 300 lbs....in his mind, Shaq was a pussy, and he didn't care who he said it to. Over time when I think of a story, i'll post it. Thats all of my lance description for now....

Anyway, Lance...Its been about 8 and a half months since I last saw you take a breath...and man was it a long one...your last one....and I haven't stopped thinking about you since that day. You taught me and everyone you met a huge amount of information...an amazing way to live life...to live life without care of what happens tomorrow, without consequence and to just have a great time. Even in the hospital, you did things most people wouldn't dream of..or maybe they would but they'd never get em done or do them. I want to thank you for me being who I am today, without you i'd be fearful of things, i'm not saying i'm fearless and believe me i'm working myself still, with certain aspects, but I don't think one person I know htat i've met since you has not heard your name at least a few times a week, hell they're probably sick of hearing about you. But thats just the way it is for me, to talk about you is my therapy to deal without having you to drink beers with, to "Be out of hand" as you would say. Anyway, even as I go through what I THINK is a fairly tough time for me right now, trying to learn and grow myself...I think of how much I grew by knowing you and how much anyone who didn't know you missed out, they're loss, my gain.

Thanks for everything, this is the first of many posts....

Matt